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Dear Santa…

This is yet another email I am sending to you. I somehow cannot give up on hope, nearly thirty years on.

How have you been?

Did you read the “Prevent Diabetes Today!” leaflet I sent to you last month? Don’t take it personally, I just saw your picture on a tin of candies. You obviously put on a little weight, didn’t you? Here is an idea for a New Year resolution 🙂

On the other hand, some diet and exercise may work miracles, especially now when you’ve found your second half. Huh! How do I know about it?

The other week some lady aged around 60 said she liked my scarf very much. It was the one you got me for last Christmas, remember? When I said I got it from you, her eyes sparkled and she smiled kindly. I am not easy to fool, so I caught the drift.

Please tell me, is it very difficult to maintain such a long distance relationship?

Anyway, as usual, please find attached a signed list of all my good deeds for 2010 (plus the last week of 2009). Last year’s lot was sent to you via email, I am afraid ‘good deeds09.xls’ bounced back to me. I realised that only this month.

I assume the recession must have hit your pocket too. Therefore I kept my wish list is as short as possible. BTW, are you cutting heads and employ fewer helpers now?

I also hope you didn’t switch to airways. The airports are not very reliable at the moment to be honest, even though the tickets are sometimes dirt-cheap. Read more

Santa Wrote Back!

Dear Konrad,

Thank you for all your correspondence sent to me.

In the first place, I hope you liked the Christmas presents I got you for 2010.

I regret to say it but I was unable to give you the metal pin slingshot, nor the indoor fireworks set. Those items are listed as hazardous and mustn’t be distributed…

I truly appreciate your concern about my health. Nevertheless I am not intending to shed a pound. To be honest, I have always been a little … fleshy if you like. Times are changing and i know people expect celebrities to look like sticks these days but “Thank God” I don’t live in Hollywood, so no need for me to slim down!

Each time I go to LA, I wonder when I’ll see an A4-size picture of my behind with a tear in my red trousers, flashing at me from a cover of a glossy mag. And believe me it is not easy to sneak away from paparazzi when getting off my sleigh or climbing up a chimney. Read more